Saturday, October 27, 2007

I didn't think it would be like this

But it is.
When I became orthodox, I saw clearly the way I didn't want to be, how I wanted to continue in the overzealous manner of first love to be conscious of every move, every thought, and every day as being a sacrament and a gift directly from God. If I managed to do something without that consciousness, it was either obviously sin, or indirectly sin because I made it about the object or moment itself, not something to look through and see God on the other side.
When I became orthodox, I knew that merely being orthodox would push me to Godliness, towards Holiness, but that it was also risky because with that thought comes the temptation to think that I no longer have to pursue holiness, that it will come to me as long as I line up every sunday morning and have not eaten meat twice during the week. I saw what orthodoxy could be if it became about less than God when I was in ontario, attending a church that knew it was dying, but still couldn't do anything about it. I have become a part of that culture club (and it has nothing to do with the wonderful parish I find myself in currently, its a long process) and its not about ethnicity, though it often is because its such an easy place to find your identity, especially if you call yourself a member of any diaspora. But, I find that I am tempted to identify myself by many different things, perhaps material like my bike, or the possibility of earning lots of money, or my abilities or lack thereof, ego and lack of self esteem. Or more easily yet, in the midst of this beautiful time of my life where I am about to be wed to the most beautiful woman alive, I put my identity in my ability to provide, to love, to be sensitive, to plan, to commit, and to follow through.
Anywhere but Christ.
heaven forbid that I find my identity in the One place that is safe and secure and eternal and real, where everything else is fleeting and/or shallow (not my wife-to-be, mind you)
And, what does that mean? I think it means doing all of the things I do, but doing them because I trust that God is in them, and not doing the things that he is not a part of.
And, not thinking that anyone else is doing the work for me, I forget that it will take effort, spiritual struggle, which is such a strange thing to write out, let alone define, so who knows what I even mean? but I know that that is what it takes, spiritual struggle, which of course doesn't exclude all realms of existence because we are not dualists (or duellists)
I suppose I have gotten lazy and distracted, and from what I hear, life doesn't get any calmer.


kimberley francis said...

thanks for sharing what's going on underneath, dave. it's an honor to have guys like you in our midst and to see life unfold for you and your family to be. i miss you having you around, little brother. give your pretty girl a big hug from me!

Teacher Quinn said... - response posted there-on